[Geysers] Principles of Geysers

[TSBryan at aol.com]

In receipt of the October 2008 Sput, one correction: the geyser shown on  
page 37 and identified as Ragged Geyser is in reality "Jagged Spring." The real  
Ragged is the smaller, round feature a few feet west of Jagged. Very nice 
photo,  by the way; far better than any I've managed to get of the thing.
 
In reading the October Sput, I find the Sojourner's item of interest. Nice  
that he attempted to (again) clarify a few geyser terms. It reminded me of the  
"Physical Principles and Constants of Geysers" and perhaps now is a good time 
to  remind people of them.
 
Scott Bryan
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Physical Principles and Constants of Geysers
 
1. Universal Law of Gravitation -- What goes up must come down-wind.
 
2. Function of Aberration -- Subsequent activity always differs from that  
observed in the course of a formal study.
Extension 2a -- The greater the detail within a published report, then the  
greater the future aberration.
 
e. Exclusion Principle -- Truly great events always occur somewhere else,  or 
at night, or both.
 
4. Absolute Zero Factor -- The effective temperature reached during any  
interval that is longer than average approaches the ultimate minimum possible  
temperature. This law is most commonly enforced at Grand Geyser and Beehive  
Geyser.
 
5. Grammaticus Factor -- The most spectacular eruptions occur during  
miserable weather and while the sun is behind a cloud. Note the relationship  between 
this and the Absolute Zero Factor. (Named in honor of Saxo Grammaticus  who, 
while observing in Iceland, never saw a sunlit eruption.)
 
6. Uncertainty Principle -- The attempt by a geyser gazer to decide on a  
future destination, often experienced at the Lower Hams parking lot. Also known  
as the Strasser Conundrum" because of the oft witnessed conversation: "Do you  
want to go to Grand or Great Fountain?" "I don't know."
Extension 6a, Leeking Parameter -- Following the belated decision due to  the 
Uncertainty Principle, the fact that one must move at a high rate of speed  
in order to achieve a new destination "in time."
 
7. Mass-Lifetime Relationship -- that lifetime (that is, the length) of an  
eruption interval is directly proportional to the cube of the number of geyser  
gazers present.
 
Extension 7a -- If all members and associated of The Geyser Observation and  
Study Association are present, then the length of an interval shall be  
infinite.
 
8. Mass-Height Relationship -- The height of a geyser, as expressed in  
verifiable terms, is inversely proportional to to the square of the number of  
geyser gazers present (expressed as mass).
Extension 8a -- While the true height of a geyser decreases with the number  
of geyser gazers present, the reported height of the same eruption  
simultaneously increases by an incalculable factor.
 
9. E = m c-squared -- The total energy expended by a group of geyser gazers  
is equal to the number of gazers (expressed as mass) multiplied by a  
geometricized concept of an anticipated event. Most classically exhibited at Fan  & 
Mortar Geysers (or recently, at Giant Geyser).
 
10. U.F.O. -- Acronym for "Unidentified Functional object" and nearly  
obsolete in modern use, an erupting feature whose meaning or even whose identity  as 
a true geyser is open to question, debate, argument, screaming and shouting.  
Also variously known as Sput, Rocco Object, Thing Over there, That Hole, and 
so  on.
 
11. Accepted Name -- A word or phrase used in the identification of a  
thermal feature without the benefit of extended study by a formal Names  Committee 
of people who don't necessarily know anything about the feature  itself, and 
who thus formalize a meaningless or inappropriate name. Often  employed so as to 
confuse the record of activity, thus enabling future geyser  gazers to 
conduct their own studies without having to worry about whether or not  their 
results are in accord with earlier results.
 
12. Inverse Square Law -- A judgement bearing on virtually all geyser  
gazers, other than myself, and thus needing no further  definition.
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